Jessica Simpson Literally Cannot Sing

February 9th, 2009 at 16:30 by Gibbo

Fans in Grand Rapids, USofA, were treated to a Jessica Simpson concert with a wonderful twist: she didn’t sing the songs.

A recent appearance in a hilarious comedy fatsuit, and now deciding to not sing her own songs during her own concert. We applaud you, Jessica Simpson, for your refusal to let convention dictate how a sexy popstar should behave.

Poor Jessica Simpson. Hot on the over-stressed heels of her recent appearances - when she performed on stage looking like she’d not only eaten all of the pies, but quite a few of the piemakers as well - comes the latest embarrassing little onstage muckup. At a show last week in Michigan, she was unable to sing any of her own songs in full, as the mighty journalistic force of the Grand Rapids Press testify:

The singer forgot her lyrics, struggled with her ear monitors, mumbled through songs and fought back tears as she exited the stage after a 38-minute set. Simpson apologized to the supportive audience of about 9,000 by mouthing the word “sorry” on two large video screens.

We’re unsure of how exactly the crowd were ’supportive. Maybe they clapped, and called out inspirational messages as Jessica Simpson tried to remember the words to her songs. Or perhaps a few hundred of the strongest amongst them bravely struggled to support her immense bodyweight during a brief bit of crowdsurfing. We shall never know.

What is certain is that Jessica should have stuck with her sister’s chosen method of performing live: miming to a prerecorded version of the song, but failing to realise when it is actually about to start and going on to make a massive toss-sock of herself in front of millions of TV viewers. But just the first bit.

In an embarrassing twist, TMZ has posted a video it claims is footage from the concert, showing a disracted Simpson onstage, singing a bit and forgetting the words a bit. Whoops! It seems to be instead film of a mummyhippo who, having lost her babyhippos, paces back and forth, crying out to the world for the return of her children. In front of men with guitars.

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